I had a simple childhood. My parents didn’t have a s**tload of money, therefore my toys were always far better then those of other kids. Why is that, you ask? Because they were mind games. I played mind games with my parents, grandparents, uncles and cousins. But what was my favorite game? To piss off my mother. Maybe it was the punishment, maybe my mother’s expression when she realised she is scared of me, or my father telling me “good boy” even though I’m a girl, the truth is I don’t know what it was, but it felt so good!
I will now let you 5 sadistic tricks that you can play on your mother, in order to make her think that giving you to adoption wouldn’t be that bad. Good luck!
1. When you are home alone, eat everything you find in your fridge. Doesn’t matter if it’s sweet or sour, eat it! Then leave the wrappers or dirty dishes like a path going to your parents’ bedroom. When she sees it, tell her it was your father (also a good way to piss off your father)
2. When she asks you to give her a glass of water, put in it 1/2 tablespoon of sugar. First, she will believe there is something wrong with the water, but if you keep doing it, she will get used to it, and won’t drink plain water ever again. Tell her what you did 20 years later.
3. Forget about Mother’s Day. Instead, tell your father Happy Father’s Day. Then run away from home.
4. Put all the clocks in your house to ring at 5:00 am, 5:05 am, 5:10 am and so on. Wake at 5 am and enjoy the show because obviously, your mother will try to stop them all. You have to love mother’s stubbornness…
5. When she asks you to take out the trash, get out and put the trash on the front porch, hidden. But make sure she will realise what’s happening soon, because otherwise your house will stink. And boy… she will be so mad…
Now, go prove your mother you love her!