Do you know that crush of yours, who doesn’t even know your name, or even worse, that you’re alive? Or that teacher who calls you „the one with the weird hair”? Or your boss who doesn’t know your name, or that you’re working for him, and keeps telling you to „move the damn chair”? Well, all of the above are people who will not be impressed, but whom you should impress! Make them know your name, make them believe you are the most awesome human being that ever walked on this earth. Make them put your face on that name they don’t know yet!
Because I’m a good girl, I will now walk with you the 5 steps to impress the bastards that refuse to do so. Keep close and pay attention, ’cause it might be a bumpy ride.
Step 1 : Be always there – some might say it is stalking, but they are lying! You need to make your presence present. Be there, in the back of the movie theater, be in line for hot dogs when they are hungry, be the one who gives a napkin when coffee is spilled. They might call the cops on you, and if they do, you’ll know you make a hell of a job!
Step 2 : Insist – most people don’t know it, but they need to be continuously stressed. If they say that they do not want your phone number, or your CV, or even worse: to know your date of birth, you need to insist. If they run from the information, call them, speak with their best friends, let the friends know and the Unimpressed will then know. Call their parents (if they are still alive). Whatever needs to be done, do it! They want you to!
Step 3 : Brag – let’s say you’ve read one of the classics, 50 Shades of Grey for starters. The people you want to impress need to know that you are an intelligent artistic soul who knows how to appreciate a good book. But for this to happen, make a list of quotes from the book, read the author’s biography and several reviews made by your friends. If the Unimpressed doesn’t want to listen, follow Step 2.
Step 4 : Work harder – this is a long-term commitment. It might take a few days or a couple of months, but if you do it right, two weeks will be enough. Unfortunately for you, you will have to work. Search online projects, if they are not good, keep searching, but if they are, steal them and make them your own. Then go to the Unimpressed and tell her/him how hard you’ve worked, how many hours you spent searching for information and how good it will be if your work would be appreciated for once. They will fall for it, and you will be a hero! If it doesn’t work, you can always follow Step 3.
Step 5 : Do something illegal – there is nothing more efficient than making something stupid. This way, everybody will know your name, and they will be impressed! If you hear stuff like „the idiot who stole that old lady’s wheelchair” or „the dude who broke into the governor’s house” or „the asshole who parked his car in my pool,” you know you did an amazing job. They are all jealous, and they will know your name!
These are my words of wisdom. Use them well, and spread the word. Who knows how many poor losers are out there, waiting for a piece of advice to begin their fabulous life…