5 ways to piss off your mother

I had a simple childhood. My parents didn’t have a s**tload of money, therefore my toys were always far better then those of other kids. Why is that, you ask? Because they were mind games. I played mind games with my parents, grandparents, uncles and cousins. But what was my favorite game? To piss off my mother. Maybe it was the punishment, maybe my mother’s expression when she realised she is scared of me, or my father telling me “good boy” even though I’m a girl, the truth is I don’t know what it was, but it felt so good!

I will now let you 5 sadistic tricks that you can play on your mother, in order to make her think that giving you to adoption wouldn’t be that bad. Good luck! Continue reading

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are proud to present you…

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen.

So, I was on Facebook the other day. Oh great, marvelous source of wtf‘s of the 21st century! And this one friend of mine posted a link. I clicked on it. You know, procrastination and stuff. And there I was, amazed and wtf-ing. OK, we all know Facebook’s privacy policy has been put to the wall for some of its…gaps. Let’s leave it there. Let’s call them gaps. And since I simply cannot break up with Facebook ( our relationship is one of those addictive, harmful ones you see in the movies), I thought to myself: ”Hey, at least I can get rid of it when I die.”

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No thank you, Bill Gates!

I guess everyone heard/read this story, because it’s all over the World Wide Web. I remember it made me mad when I first read it. If I were in that waiter’s place, I would have said: Well thank you for the wonderful story, now give me my tip! My parents are poor, I need to pay for college and I’m busting my ass bottom off in order to give you the best service ever! And YOU are a billionaire!  But I wasn’t in the waiter’s place. But if I were… I would have gotten cold feet, thanked him for this beautiful life story and the $2 tip, and I would have wished him a good day. But I would have done it in a sarcastic way. Probably.

Loving grandpa, in search for kids

As I was reading this magazine which covers job offers, sales (cars, apartments and other stuff) and things to rent, I came across this: grandpa with a lot of love for nephews, I wish to take care of children. Now… maybe he really is a loving grandpa who gives candy bars to children, takes them to Zoo and reads them bedtime stories… but come on! Who, in their right mind, would let his/her kids with a man who has this message? I wouldn’t. Would you?

While I was out

I like to think of myself as a pleasant young lady, polite, always smiling and eager to help those who ask for help. I smile when I walk down the street and I help old people carry their bags. I even tell people when they lose money while walking. But I think the Universe doesn’t like me. It’s like my whole life is an irony. One day, while drinking its coffee, the Universe thought, while chatting with its multiverse friends,  hmmm, I should make an ironic person with an ironic life. And then I was born. With a high level of irony and sarcasm.

But please let me tell you my story… Continue reading

Dear Diary,

I think I’m suffering of insomnia. Or it may be the fact that I’m having 3 cups of coffee and 1  bottle of coke/ day. But I think it’s insomnia though. Last night, my mind started wandering and it didn’t stop until 3 a.m. What was I thinking? I don’t know. I thought about my bachelor degree diploma paper for about 15 minutes. Then I thought about my friends for another 5 minutes. And just when I was ready to fall asleep, it hit me. The world is such a cruel place! There’s no room left for dreaming anymore. We’re tiny robots, working our asses all day long to pay the debts. The Universe is so damn big that our debts mean nothing, compared to the debts of all the aliens out there!

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Grandpa don’t preach

I admit it. I smoke. Cigarettes, that is. I’m not proud, I’m not bragging with it and I don’t advise anyone to do it. What I don’t do though is wander around the city and pick on people who smoke.

OK, let me start with the beginning. No, before I start I want you to know that I have A LOT of respect for the elderly. I loved my grandparents and I love seeing wise old people sharing their experience. But I don’t like those who…well, let me start my story…

There I was, sitting peacefully with a friend on a bench in the park. You know, girl-talk and s**t. And yes, we were having some smokes. On the next bench, an elderly person was preaching to bum about beliving in God, about quitting alcohol, about…well, let’s just say he was preaching. Continue reading

How to impress people who will not be impressed

Do you know that crush of yours, who doesn’t even know your name, or even worse, that you’re alive? Or that teacher who calls you „the one with the weird hair”? Or your boss who doesn’t know your name, or that you’re working for him, and keeps telling you to „move the damn chair”? Well, all of the above are people who will not be impressed, but whom you should impress! Make them know your name, make them believe you are the most awesome human being that ever walked on this earth. Make them put your face on that name they don’t know yet!

Because I’m a good girl, I will now walk with you the 5 steps to impress the bastards that refuse to do so. Keep close and pay attention, ’cause it might be a bumpy ride. Continue reading